


So Cold and So Sweet

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, post 19x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 04:57:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15017135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “Did you quit your job because of this? Because of me?”Rafael laughed, a bitter, broken sounding thing. “No. There was no way I could keep that job. Not really, no matter how much McCoy may try to tell me otherwise. Who would want the baby killer working their case?”“Rafael–-”“Don’t try and tell me I’m wrong. You’re smarter than that.”Sonny opened his mouth to speak but caught himself in time. In a way, Rafael was right, but he thought it was probably more about pride than anything else.





	So Cold and So Sweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Astronaut_Milky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/gifts).



> This work is unbeta'd and came from a tumblr prompt from Astronaut_Milky
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/175159253297/barisi-18-its-not-bad-to-cry-in-fact-i-think

Sonny had given Rafael space throughout the entire trial. He hadn’t seen Rafael since that day in the interrogation room before he did what he did – something which Sonny still couldn’t truly bring himself to put a name to despite how many times he had adamantly told himself he was okay with it, that it was the humane thing to do. **  
**

He’d understood, at first. Rafael never liked to be vulnerable in front of anyone if he could avoid it. So he’d let it go, he’d accepted that Rafael would come to him when he was ready. Except that time never came. He’d heard it through gossip, at first, then confirmed by the Lieu, that Rafael had resigned from the DA’s office, packed up his things, and gone.

Which was why he found himself pounding on Rafael’s door as loud as his heart was pounding in his chest, emotional space be damned.

“Rafael,” he shouted, giving the door one final thump before resting his head against the cool wood, exhaustion seeping into his bones. “Please.”

The shuffle he heard on the other side of the door ignited hope in his chest. When no further sound came, no voice, no unlatching of the door, he felt his heart sink.

“Please,” he tried again, voice much smaller, hoping Rafael was just on the other side listening. “I love you. Through everything, I love you. I gave you space, I didn’t show up at your trial no matter how badly I wanted to. But this…you didn’t even tell me you were leaving.”

He breathed out a low, steady breath, aware of the slight waver in his own voice, a show of vulnerability he wasn’t normally afraid of. Now, however, he was scared it would only put Rafael off more.

“Talk to me, Raf.” He tried to keep the pleading tone from his voice, but it bled through anyway. “Because once I walk away tonight I don’t think I can come back.”

The words were unplanned. He hadn’t even realized he’d felt that way. But as soon as they were out he realized just how true they were. He couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t keep waiting for Rafael to come back to him, hoping for something he had no confirmation of. The silence was killing him, tearing at him, eating him alive.

He waited for what felt like hours, though it was probably only five minutes at most, head resting against the door, eyes closed, breaths even, despite how much his chest ached. Just as he was about to give up, tear himself from Rafael’s door and drag himself home, he heard the click of the latch and the clunk of the deadlock. His heart thudded as he lifted his head from the door, taking a minute step back.

“Surprised you’re still there,” Rafael muttered, barely visible through the crack in the door.

As the door opened wider for Sonny to step through, Rafael moved with it, almost like he was hiding, putting off the inevitable.

It didn’t take a genius to know he’d been drinking. Sonny could smell scotch the moment he stepped inside the apartment. As the door clicked shut behind him, he turned to look at Rafael. His eyes were a little red, a little glassy, strands of hair falling across his forehead in a way that was far more endearing than it ought to be.

“Hey,” Sonny said softly with a small smile, shoving his hands in his pockets to stop himself actively fiddling.

Rafael raised an eyebrow in a move so like his usual self that Sonny nearly laughed. “Hey yourself.”

“So…” It was now that Sonny realized he had nothing planned to say, or do. He just wanted to be here. But somehow that felt awkward now.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said softly, biting at his bottom lip. “For upsetting you.” When Sonny opened his mouth to object, Rafael raised a finger, silencing him. “Don’t lie to me.”

“Okay,” Sonny said slowly, raising his hands in defeat. “You upset me. But only ‘cause I care about you.”

Rafael huffed out a dry laugh before moving into the living room, motioning for Sonny to follow. He sank into the lounge, picking up his almost-empty glass of scotch. With proper lighting, Sonny could see how tired he looked.

Once again, he felt uncomfortable, like he didn’t belong here despite how many times he’d come before, to sit, to talk, to drink, to fuck. He felt his stomach sink, an icy coldness filling him up as he took his seat beside Rafael. The feeling of their thighs pressed together sent a shiver down Sonny’s spine, but not in the way it normally would.

“Are you leaving me?” He asked quietly, offering Rafael a look that he hoped said it was okay, despite how very much it wasn’t.

Rafael stared at him for a moment before glancing down into his drink, finger tracing the rim of the glass. He downed its contents before looking back at Sonny, expression unreadable. “No.”

“Then why do we feel like strangers,” he whispered, unable to keep the hurt from his voice.

Rafael sighed, his whole body slumping with the effort as he turned his face away, staring at the blank TV screen. Even in his profile, Sonny could see the sadness etched into his features. “I thought you would leave me.”

The admission felt like a punch to the gut, low, deep, waves rolling out from the point of contact throughout his whole body. “Why would I?”

“Why would you not?” Rafael shot back, turning to look at Sonny for a split second, eyes shining, before he turned back to the blank screen. “I stand by what I did. But that doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to.”

Sonny took a deep, steady breath in, releasing it slowly as he chose his words carefully. “I stand by  _you_. You honestly think I wouldn’t? After everything we’ve been through, you honestly think I would just walk away?”

Rafael gave a small nod, jaw clenching a little as he looked down into his now empty glass.

“Did you quit your job because of this? Because of me?”

Rafael laughed, a bitter, broken sounding thing. “No. There was no way I could keep that job. Not really, no matter how much McCoy may try to tell me otherwise. Who would want the baby killer working their case?”

“Rafael–”

“Don’t try and tell me I’m wrong. You’re smarter than that.”

Sonny opened his mouth to speak but caught himself in time. In a way, Rafael was right, but he thought it was probably more about pride than anything else.

After a drawn-out silence, Sonny sighed. “Please look at me.”

Rafael’s head twitched, like he was going to turn but thought better of it, and his jaw tightened again. Each minor movement designed to block, to hide, to deflect, pulled at Sony’s heart. He reached out, placing his hand on Rafael’s knee gently, his thumb drawing soothing circles, an attempt at comfort, but also an attempt to coax something from him.

“What are you going to do now?”

If he wasn’t paying such close attention he would have missed the bob of Rafael’s Adam’s apple and the way his eyes narrowed just slightly. He turned his head a little further away, just far enough that Sonny could no longer see his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered, voice cracking just a little. “I have no fucking idea what happens next.”

Rafael moved to get up, but Sonny stopped him with a firm hand, pushing him back down onto the lounge before moving in front of him, kneeling on the floor between his legs. He took Rafael’s face in his hands, tilting his head upwards so their eyes were locked for what felt like the first time in forever. Looking into those deep green eyes felt like coming home, despite how sad and tired they looked now.

He could feel the muscles in Rafael’s face working to keep his steely, unreadable expression in place, but Sonny knew him better than that. He could read the sadness in him, clear as day. He could feel the helplessness oozing from him, and it made his chest ache in sympathy.

“I don’t–” Rafael’s voice was barely a whisper before it broke off, eyes screwing shut.

Sonny could feel Rafael’s jaw trembling in his hands, and he ran his thumbs gently across his cheeks. He wasn’t sure if his heart was screaming out in sympathy, or if he felt his own sense of helplessness in being able to do nothing to make this easier for Rafael, but whichever it was, he could feel the lump rising in his throat.

“Hey,” he whispered, voice sounding strangled though he tried to keep his emotion out of it. This wasn’t about him. “It’s not bad to cry. In fact, I think it makes a person stronger.”

It was as though his words opened something inside Rafael, something that had been closed a very long time. He felt, more than heard, the shaky breath that slipped past Rafael’s lips as he opened his eyes, now glassy with tears. Sonny’s hands fell to Rafael’s shoulders as the man leaned forward into his space, a shudder running through his whole body as he reached out, clinging to him like his life depended on it.

All Sonny could do was wrap his arms around Rafael and hope it was enough as his body heaved with silent sobs. Each tremor, each fresh grab at the fabric of Sonny’s shirt tore at his heart, but he knew this was it. This was what Rafael needed. There was nothing more he could do.

They remained like that, Sonny kneeling between Rafael’s legs, arms wrapped so tight around each other it was as though they were one, long after Rafael’s breathing had evened out. He didn’t dare move, didn’t dare do anything that Rafael didn’t initiate, scared that if he did pride would take over once more and he’d be sent packing.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael muttered into his shoulder, breaking the silence.

Sonny ran his hand up Rafael’s back, running his fingers into the hairs at the nape of his neck. “What for?”

“For being an ass,” he said with a huffed laugh, breaking the tension.

Sonny couldn’t help himself. The moment the tension was gone, the laughter was bubbling up inside of him. Rafael pulled back from him, scowl on his face as he wiped the leftover tears from his eyes.

“God, I’m sorry,” Sonny muttered, reaching for Rafael’s hands as he bit down on his laughter. “I’m not laughing at you. I promise.”

Rafael looked uncertain for a moment, but then a small smile broke out on his face, and Sonny could see some of that sadness, that exhaustion he’d been holding disappear.

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered, giving his hand a squeeze.

Sonny squeezed back before leaning in, pressing a quick kiss to Rafael’s lips before resting their foreheads together.

Things wouldn’t be okay for a while, Sonny knew that. But it was a start, and that was all he could have ever hoped for.


End file.
